august 2013

20 august 2013... Anxiety and lots of it

I don't think I have ever had a anxiety attack like the one I've had to day and that still lingers in me. I'm exhausted. Today was group therapy as it is every tuesday. I was very nervous about ta...

19 august 2013

This weekend I have been with almost everyone in the family. Mom, dad, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces and nephews. It's been a nice weekend. But I'm really tired. The first day I...

16 august 2013... Why...

On my way to a family gathering now. I'm on the ferry and checked fb. My sister wrote a comment; Remember bringing... I have not remembered anything :( I had one thing I was supposed to take with...

15 august 2013... I don't know what to do

I'm having a dilemma. 
I've moved a lot of times the past years. Since 2008 I have moved 8 times... I moved in here April 26th this year. In all those years the only place I really loved livi...

15 august 2013

It's been another night with not nearly enough sleep. I have to sleep. I'm going to be a complete mess if this continues. I lose control when I don't sleep enough. And that is in no way a good thing.

15 august 2013... Lots of tears and feels

It's been an emotional day. Very emotional. I met K again today and had a long emotionally draining talk. That's a story in it self, but that's not what I want to tell you about. I had a hard tim...

12 august 2013

It's annoying that AvPD and anxiety makes it equally difficult being social both online and IRL

12 august 2013

Soon going to sleep. My kids got home on friday and that same night I got sick. Just a bit og fever and sore throat. So I'm sure I'm getting well soon.It was nice having them back. They have been a...

8 august 2013... Not very happy thoughts today

I've read my entire medical journal from psychiatric, not my doctor. Not fun to read. It's quite a few pages. It start in january 1999 to fall 2000. And then it starts again in 2007 and ends septe...

5 august 3013

I've been away this weekend. My oldest sister wanted to celebrate my 40'th birthday. (It was in may, but I was in the middle of the finals at school then). So she arranged it and it was at her home...

1 august 2013... And now it is tomorrow

As I told you yesterday, I met H today. I was so nervous right before she arrived. I got an email from K where he forwarded the response from H. I saw it just 10 minutes before. And he said as I co...

31 juli 2013... Tomorrow

Tomorrow I'm seeing H for the first time since that email was sent and I'm very anxious. I hope she isn't disappointed or anything. But I'm afraid it is going be awkward for me anyway. But it would...

29 juli 2013...About nice people and some more...

On the bus today I saw this old man that was very sweet. He had been shopping in the city, so he had some shopping bags with him beside his backpack. He put the bags on the seat next to him when th...

29 juli 2013... Today

I was at my doctors appointment today. It wasn't to bad. My blood pressure is better. Mostly because I eat a little bit healthier and that there haven't been so much pressure with things I have to ...

28 juli 2013... Oh no...

I'm starting to panic. Tomorrow is that day were I get to tell my doctor that I wasn't able to do what he ask if I would be able to do. Because of my very high blood pressure I'm supposed to go fo...

27 juli 2013... Whats in my future...

It's scary to think about my future. I really want to hope for a good one, but how things are now it doesn't look promising. And that is frightening. When my kids move out I might be able to find...

25 juli 2013... Its starts one place and end up another place

Well... my mom called me yesterday. And she was over the top positive and encouraging. I could hear that she was worried about me. And she said she had heard a lot of good things about that treatme...

24 juli 2013... How avpd and social anxiety affects my life

I don't function very well out in the real world. I might look like I do, but that's because I'm good at hiding whats going on in my mind. I've observed what other people are doing and saying inst...

22 juli 2013... Family isn't easy

Yesterday I visited my parents with my kids. It takes a few hours to get there. I never want to go there (I don't want to go anywhere these days but...) even if I love my parents. We had a really n...

19 juli 2013... About being open about atheism

I'm an atheist. My family knows that. They like to think that its something I will give up and come back to my right place as a servant of god. I'm quite sure they wont call me an atheist, because...

19 juli 2013...Cognitive therapy maybe?

I achieved something quite great for me today. Because K (the one from psychiatric team that I still get to meet a couple of times) asked the right questions today. It's really silly to have to wa...

15 juli 2013... Alone

Why does it have to be so hard to tell someone who is there to help you what you really need... I feel so let down by both myself and the person that I thought might understand. I know I wish for t...

14 juli 2013... Lazy...

Instead of editing pictures, as I should have done today, I have been on tumblr.I really don't wan't to do it. I'm not satisfied in how they turned out at all. But I have to because the client is g...

14 juli 2013... Malfunctioning, that's me...

It's hard when you come to that point in your life where you realize you aren't able to take care of yourself completely on your own. That the help you have accepted in the past years aren't quite ...

Jeg kommer til å lage mange innlegg i dag.

Det er fordi jeg har en annen blogg på engelsk og har skrevet der en stund nå.Men jeg ønsker å ha de innleggene også tilgjengelige her for å ha en bedre oversikt.
Paint me Black

Paint me Black

40, Re

Woman with AvPd (avoidant personality disorder), social phobia, ADHD and depression.


I'm honest and don't hide anything here but mine and others identity.

I'm a mom to two teenagers.

I have weekly individual therapy with a psychologist and I have meetings weekly with a psychiatric nurse.

My wishes is to be able to manage life without braking apart at every little bump in the road.

I want to live, but not like this for the rest of my life. That's why I am trying to do something about it.

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