Feelings

Reality is creeping back

Tomorrow my "vacation" is over (that means those days without having to think about the reality, aka money trouble and so on). I have an appointment at 11am with H. I like the days where I'm able...

I feel like my life is real and not real at the same time.

It's really frustrating and confusing. I'm having emotions about thing, good and bad.
But they get locked up in the walt like seconds after they appear.
If they are good especially. If...

Why does such a little thing like making a phone call, ruin days and a night.

I couldn't sleep. So I lay in bed awake the entire night. Just because I was supposed to make a phone call. I didn't call anyone. I froze and became rather unresponsive. I don't know what H must ...

Numbing

Had an appointment with U today. Tuff one so need to numb my emotions. Watching series on Netflix. Helps keeping things at distance.

Reality

The oncoming of reality is making it feel like my head is burning. 
My brain is boiling with the anticipation of dread and doom in the near future. It is so painful. Actual physical pain....

Emotions are tricky

When I don't feel much or nothing at all,
I really want to have emotions. When I do feel something,
I can't tolerate the emotions. It's like I can never have the amount of emotions th...

I keep misunderstanding things!

It's frustrating!

14 november 2013... I'm feeling sad

And I'm not quite sure why. I should still feel happy about the good news I got earlier. But that feeling has drowned in this sad feeling. I feel like I want to cry. And the lump in my throat is b...

23 oktober 2013...

I'm sad. Not feeling good at all. I want to cry, but I can't because I'm not able to cry. I have been holding it in for too long. So all I have is a lump in my throat, feeling down and hating every...

11 oktober 2013... Another day has past

I have had a sad feeling all day. I've cried and felt like a child that someone take something precious away from. Stupid world!

23 september 2013... Lack of emotions

As I wrote about in my last entry, I sometimes experience that I zone out. And that happened last thursday during my session with K. When I was talking my mind went blank and my emotions disappeare...

19 september 2013... Talking about emotions are no easy task

I've had an appointment with K today. He called me yesterday since we had agreed on him calling to check up on me on tuesday. He didn't have time to call that day, so that's why he called yesterday...

17 september 2013... Stupid little things

Just to show how little it takes to make my mood drop and I feel terrible I tell you what happened a couple of hours ago. Just the fact that it took me that much time to be able to write about it s...

7/8 september 2013... Feelings...

I hate how depression sometimes makes every sound feels like noise. Every touch makes me want to pull away and brush the sensation of it off my skin. The presence of people feels intrusive. I'm jus...

Syk og trist og forbanna

I dag er ingen god dag. Jeg har blitt syk i tillegg til vre innmari lei meg og sret. Bare forkjlelse eller noe, men skal definitivt legge meg veldig tidlig i kveld.Jeg har bde gruppeterapi ...

Natt 2 september 2013... My mood is falling

I'm so sad. My son has gone to bed and that's when the tears came. 
I'm tired of fighting with my illnesses. I don't want to anymore. I can't see why its a point in doing it. I'm never goin...

1 september 2013...

It's a strange feeling, laughing at something funny while at the same time you're crying on the inside and your chest hurts from the pain of being broken.

1 september 2013... Hurt

It was ok with visit. Until she took out the book. And said with seriousness in her voice, that I only got it if I promised to not read about my diagnoses or blogs about it while I work on the book...

16 august 2013... Why...

On my way to a family gathering now. I'm on the ferry and checked fb. My sister wrote a comment; Remember bringing... I have not remembered anything :( I had one thing I was supposed to take with...

12 august 2013

It's annoying that AvPD and anxiety makes it equally difficult being social both online and IRL

8 august 2013... Not very happy thoughts today

I've read my entire medical journal from psychiatric, not my doctor. Not fun to read. It's quite a few pages. It start in january 1999 to fall 2000. And then it starts again in 2007 and ends septe...

31 juli 2013... Tomorrow

Tomorrow I'm seeing H for the first time since that email was sent and I'm very anxious. I hope she isn't disappointed or anything. But I'm afraid it is going be awkward for me anyway. But it would...

29 juli 2013...About nice people and some more...

On the bus today I saw this old man that was very sweet. He had been shopping in the city, so he had some shopping bags with him beside his backpack. He put the bags on the seat next to him when th...

28 juli 2013... Oh no...

I'm starting to panic. Tomorrow is that day were I get to tell my doctor that I wasn't able to do what he ask if I would be able to do. Because of my very high blood pressure I'm supposed to go fo...

24 juli 2013... How avpd and social anxiety affects my life

I don't function very well out in the real world. I might look like I do, but that's because I'm good at hiding whats going on in my mind. I've observed what other people are doing and saying inst...

Hverdager...

Da er livet tilbake til vre mest hverdager igjen. Flelsene er veldig opp og ned om dagen.Akkurat som om hjernen ikke klarer bestemme seg for om den skal dele ut seratonin eller ikke... Joda...

Hater fle meg slik

Jeg virkelig hater fle meg slik jeg gjr akkurat n.Fler meg dum, treig og ikke helt p niv med "normale" mennesker. Og grunnen til at jeg sitter med den flelsen er at eieren oppe,alts mann...

Et kunstnerisk utrykk

Og jeg mener detHvorfor???

I hate myself

Copyright PaintmeBlack.blogg.no

, nei...

Jeg ble ndt til ringe eierenog n sitter jeg her og gruer meg noe sinnsyktOg har mest lyst til bare forsvinne.Tenk om hun sier at hun ikke vil leie ut til meg allikevel??? I'mbroken

Frustrerende...

Siste dagen i september.1 mnd til flyttedag. Jeg sliter litt om dagen.Er fortsatt stressa.Omtrent ingenting jeg gjr endrer p det.Alt blir i superspeed, men bare i hodet.Er ikke raskere med andre...

N har jeg gjort det igjen...

Sagt for mye igjen.Tror jeg sret svigerinnen min n nettopp...Fikk i allefall ikke svar p den siste meldingen jeg sendte.Hres sikkert kjempeteit ut,men jeg klarer ikke legge fra meg tanken og f...

Hm??

Flelserer rare greier.Tidligere i dag...forferdeligAkkurat n...ikke s verst?!Ikke til forst seg p.Men akkurat n koser jeg meg med lese interirbloggene jeg flger med p.Samtidig som jeg ...

Angst og trer

I dag har vrt en rar dag.Den startet med at jeg fikk telefon fra hun som har med stttekontaktordningen gjre.(Har egentlig ingen anelse om hva hun er for meg utenom det. Og tr selvflgelig ikk...

Describing my feelings

Vanskelig...

Jeg er sliten.Jeg er lei.Har lrt noe...Jeg er bedre p sette grenser for meg selv, selv om mennesker rundt meg ikke respekterer de grensene.Det gikk opp for meg i dag at jeg er ikke mer ensom n...

Unstable

I'm feeling quite mentallyunstable when I'm crying whilewatching CSI...

Sad and tired

Said godbye to my kids today. They are leaving to be on a boat trip with theire father and his family (and hers).They will be gone for three weeks. Have been extremely exhausted and tired while th...

Veldig veldig lenge siden

N er det lenge siden jeg har skrevet her.Det har skjedd alt for mye til at jeg kan skrive om alt som har skjedd, men jeg kan jo ramse opp litt...Eksen har giftet seg og jeg har gtt fra bare hat...

Tffe dager

Hater disse dagene som er n!Griner...og er trist og er full av angst. Gruer meg s til sndagen.S sterk lysten blir til hive nedp tabletter nr jeg har det slik som n...Hater det!!!

Would you fall apart?

???Lner et bilde fra weheartit.com i dag. Trykk p bildet for link.

Litt jul hos meg

Har vrt hos psykologen i dag.Var litt vanskelig. Ble p grten nr hun spurte meg noen sprsml fra et sprreskjema.Er ganske tungt om dagen, men fikk heldigvis til gjre litt hjemme i dag.Har r...

Usikker

Jeg er usikker om dagen.Vet ikke om det jeg husker stemmer med virkeligheten.Kanskje jeg er slik som eksen sier at jeg er.FlelsesmanipulatorTruet med ta livet av megDrlig husmorIkke til stole...

Lyver

N sitter jeg her kl 4 om morgen og har ikke ftt til sove.Fant en sovepille jeg trodde jeg var tom for, s jeg kjenner trangen til forske en gang til merker seg... (ja, sove alts) Prver u...
Paint me Black

Paint me Black

41, Re

Woman with AvPd (avoidant personality disorder), social phobia, ADHD and depression.


I'm honest and don't hide anything here but mine and others identity.

I'm a mom to two teenagers.

I have weekly individual therapy with a psychologist and I have meetings weekly with a psychiatric nurse.

My wishes is to be able to manage life without breaking apart at every little bump in the road.

I want to live, but not like this for the rest of my life. That's why I am trying to do something about it.

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