How I feel today

An update

Just wanted to say I'm still here. I have been living with my boyfriend for a year now. I'm doing ok, sort of. Still feeling numb or feeling too much. Mostly numb. Not much have changed around m...

"Just nope"

-no no no no no.

1 juli 2014 Not the best day

I'm overwhelmed. Too much. Visited my parents from thursday to Sunday. Big celebration of them on saturday. Took too much energy. I can't stay for so long there. Tough conversation with H yesterday...

Dagen i gr, 11 juni 2014

Var p adhdklinikken kl 11.35 (5 min forsinket). Ok oppflgingsamtale. Avtalte at jeg skulle prve meg p Metamina igjen. Begynne med 1stk 3-4 g daglig og etter 3-4 dager ke til full dose 2stk 3-4...

Sorrow

I was sitting here sewing by hand and just thinking about this and that. Then I started thinking about the photograph I am getting printed out to U, the psychologist that I had before. Just thinkin...

I've not been in writing mood lately

Doing better, sort of. I am going to stop taking my meds. Those I go in therapy to knows about it, so no need to worry. I have been continually on meds since october 2007, so I want to find out if...

It's my first night home since February 9t

It's 2.30 am and I should have gone to bed hours ago. But I don't want to. I'm fragile. I'm sad. But I can't stay in touch with that sad emotion more than a few seconds. I can't say I have gotten a...

Not doing so good

Sad and tired

I have the second to last appointment with K tomorrow. I'm sad. And feel stupid for reacting so terribly to it. I was doing well earlier. Not so much now. I need to go to bed. I hate this. ...

I'm scared actually

I'm making arrangements to make the next three weeks as easy to get through as possible. The kids are going to stay at their father. So I don't need to worry about them. And they don't have to take...

Exhausted!

I can't even smile.

Oh all the tears

I cried when I talked to my psychologist today. 
Not just struggling with teary eyes, but tears streaming down my face.
That's the first time I have ever shown that much emotions in fro...

I would like to freeze time right now, thank you

....

On days like this

I really wish I wasn't alone.That person wouldn't have to do anything or even talk to me. Just by somebody calm being there I would feel safer and not so terribly alone.

The bubble has burst and some meaningless info

I have been in a "life is okay" bubble for about a week now and it's been good. But now it's burst. Reality is crashing in the door and I can't pretend that nothings going to change anymore. I hav...

...

Today I have done everything I should have done two months ago.
Suddenly capable of doing very much in a hurry. It won't last, but at least it looks pretty good here. I have even decorated th...

Tired

It was a "good" and difficult session with U today. We have some things to figure out after christmas.
I let her read my diary from the last week. I did not read through it before she read i...

It's sunday (or at least it was 10 minutes ago...)

I have survived the weekend.It has been okay. The kids are satisfied.It has been and is difficult to keep the looming feeling of heaviness at bay. I have prepared them for a very slow and mellow ch...

Struggling

It's so difficult to keep myself together now. I'm constantly fighting with myself. There is a very big part of me that just want's to disappear. I'm having a hard time to stay focused. It seems li...

Hide

That's all I want to do now. Hide and never return. I am shrinking.I have a strong need to curl up to a ball and lie down in a corner.Cover myself with a blanket and stay there. Forever. Hiding

Thoughts in the morning

I wrote a post on my phone but I lost it, so I have to write it again. I woke too early today because my son woke me to say he felt sick. I said he had to go to school anyway, but that I could pic...

Days

It's so frustrating that my emotions comes and go.  Is on and off. I'm okay. I'm so not okay.  I feel that I am losing. I am losing myself. I'm losing the people that's important to ...

Calmer

My mind has calmed down and emotions are not going up and down all the time. I haven't slept anything this last night. I'm quite tired now. But I hope I get myself early to bed tonight so I'm re...

I feel so confused

I'm having a hard time understanding myself. I go from feeling okay to feeling sad and feeling that I will never get better. And I do that several times a day now. It's so confusing. I wrote down ...

Anxious

I hate it when I'm full of anxiety and there's absolutely no reason for it. 
Feels like everything inside me is shivering. I try to unclench my jaws and relax. But my hands are shaking and I'...

Don't want to sleep

But I should. It's 12.30am and I should be sound asleep.
But this is the last night alone until monday and I don't want it to end. I'm supposed to have wednesdays alone, but my son decided t...

Group therapy

I finally managed to loosen up the last 20 minutes in group therapy today. That was a good feeling after weeks of anxiety there. To bad it's starting three new ones next time. I'll still do my best...

Tired and sensitive

I did get some more sleep. I slept from 7am to almost 10am.
So I did get nearly 7 hours sleep combined.
But it feels like I only got those first 4.
Planning on going to bed early ...

The end to my days alone for now

Today has been a pretty good day. I slept well and that made me have some energy today.I even managed to vacuum the livingroom. And the sofa.My cat didn't like it though. So he didn't want to come...

14 november 2013... Crying... but this time it's happy tears

I got a message from my older brother. And I was afraid to read it, because I was afraid that he would talk about the money I owe him from the repairs on my car. And it was about that, but the mess...

9 november 2013...

Today has been a day where I have done almost nothing. I've eaten food. I've showered. I've been grocery shopping. I've listen to music. I've played with my cat. Eaten some chocolate. Playing Sodu...

8 november 2013... Some good news

Yesterday I had an appointment with K. And that's where I got the good news. I get to keep having appointments with him for quite a while. But it will be off the record. There won't be written any ...

6 november 2013... And now about today

I was so nervous before my appointment with U today. 
I showed her a part of what I wrote here yesterday. She was so nice to me. I wasn't able to show her that I appreciated it, I was way too...

About today

So, I have been to group therapy today. Beside me staring at the floor the entire time and being very tense, it went "well". Since I had no connections with my feelings it wasn't too terrible. My b...

It's tuesday tomorrow

And that means group therapy. 
And that also means I should be a complete nervous wreck now.
But I'm not.
I don't feel much at all. I'm numb. 
The only thing that tells me I...

2 november 2013... Better again, as long as I don't think too much

I'm actually coping quite okay. I survived the info-meeting yesterday and I think that made me enough "happy" that I'm able to relax this weekend. I have my daughter here and we are having a good t...

1 november 2013...

I survived the information meeting. Didn't completely fill out the form we were supposed to do, because I just had to get out of there. To much anxiety to be able to wait for help filling it out.

1 november 2013... I don't want it to be friday!

It's 3.58 am. And I know it's friday already. But if I go to bed it will very soon be time for going to that information meeting. I don't want to. But of course I'll go. I'm a grown up woman, so I...

A long boring rant about these two last days

Yesterdays group therapy didn't end very well. And it was my fault. I'm just full of anxiety and can't use the group as I'm supposed to. You have to be able to talk and tell about what you are thi...

4 r og ikke stort bedre

I august var det faktisk 4 r siden jeg startet skrive denne bloggen.I 4 r har jeg dokumentert en del av livet mitt her. En del er tatt vekk fordi det ikke burde vrt der i frste omgang.En del ...

Damn it!

Fy faen jeg er s jvlig ubrukelig! Vrt p gruppeterapi i dag. Og jeg har det ikke helt greit om dagen. Og jeg har det iallefall ikke greit p gruppeterapien.Fikk flere muligheter til si noe i ...

26 oktober 2013... Feeling better

The last couple of days my depressed mood has lifted a bit. That's really good. So now I'm just tired, having a cold and am a bit irritated. But even that's better than that heavy depressed feeling...

18 oktober 2013...

At least I got to see this as a reward for not getting any sleep after 4 am

18 oktober 2013... Still awake

So I'm giving up. I'll go take a shower and then wait for the chimney sweeper to come sometime after 8 am but before 16 pm.

18 oktober 2013... Not good

Slept for 4 hours and I have been awake for 1 1/2 hour now. It's 5.20 am and I could sleep for 2 more hours if I just could fall asleep again. It's so frustrating. I'm not doing well and I really n...

13 oktober 2013... Sorry!

I'm sorry I'm so slow here now. I'm so far behind in what you have been doing lately. And I'm just so tired and it takes too much energy to just unpack and try to be a bit happy these days. I'll c...

13 oktober 2013... Friends and stuff

Yesterday I had a friend visiting. That was nice. We bought something to eat and some candy. We talked and had a really nice evening. It's easier to come visit now. So I'm going to be a bit more so...

10 oktober 2013... Better days

I've having some better days now. 
That's really good after the last week. Yesterday I went to group therapy. I didn't tell anything at first. One of the others had a really bad day on monda...

8 oktober 2013... It's morning day two in my new/old apartment

I have to hurry now. I have group therapy this morning. But I'm still in bed. So now off to the shower, eat something and get in the car. 
I'm quite anxious?

7 oktober 2013...

My cat and I are now both fed and relaxing on the sofas before bedtime in our new home. I think it will be good living here. It's light and lots of space to not feel trapped. He has explored the en...

7 oktober 2013...

On my way home. Taking the bus to my old apartment to get my cat and my car. Trying to not cry

5 oktober 2013... Hospitalized

So... I'm in hospital for the weekend. I sort of collapsed mentally yesterday. All that is happening was too much for my mind it seems. I lost the ability to move and speak in the end. They exclude...

3 oktober 2013...

To tired to even sit up I'm still exhausted after yesterdays events. It's only 8.45 pm, but I'm going to bed. Good night!

3 oktober 2013...

I've not had a good nights sleep. I kept waking up. At 6 am I couldn't sleep anymore, so I got dressed and went on tumblr to have something nice to do at least. Now it's 8.40 am and I'm so worn out...

2 oktober 2013... It's been a long exhausting day

I've had a really hard day today. In the morning I had an appointment with K. It was going well until he told med that the arrangement I had with that county about me having therapy with him would ...

30 september 2013... A little update

I received a knew email from my sister yesterday. She had read my email more thoroughly and wrote a better response this time. So I guess it's okay between us, unless she thinks my response to her ...

25 september 2013... Nope, she didn't get it. Not at all!

So as I wrote yesterday. I sent my sister that email have been writing and rewriting so it would be as non accusing and easy to understand as possible email to my sister. I got back an email from ...

Am I a spoiled brat...

God I feel like a little spoiled brat.
I hate situations were I'm expected to be grateful. And I'm not able to be.
My mom called earlier and told me she had transferred money to me. I s...

13 september 2013... Alone for a little while...

I wish I could get out of this depression soon. I really don't have time for this now. I'm moving in just 3 weeks, so I need my energy and a bit happiness to start preparing for it all. I just don...

10 september 2013... The book

I decided yesterday that I would return the book I got from my sister. And since I was in town already because of group therapy, I took it with me and I returned it and chose a novel and a good pen...

9 september 2013...

Today have been a good day. I have colored my hair again. Been nice to my feet. And I've got nail polish on and everything. So ready for bed and hope to sleep well because tomorrow is tuesday and t...

8 september 2013... Being smart...

I did something smart. I drove both kids to their dad. So I have the apartment to myself. And I need that so much now. It's good being alone and not having to make sure everybody is happy. 
N...

6 september 2013...

I'm having trouble trying to act normal and somewhat happy these days. I have my kids this weekend and I don't want to make them feel bad because I feel bad. I'm having a hard time smiling. I can't...

5 september...

I was going to write about the last couple of days, but I'm too depressed.

1 september 2013... Waiting...

I'm still waiting. Maybe they're here in an hour. The positives of having people visiting is that I get a clean(er) house. And I've baked buns and chocolate muffins. So I have been very producti...

1 september 2013... I want to be alone but...

My sister is coming today. And her son. I really hope she has forgotten those books. And that she doesn't say anything about the car. My sister is a good sister. I don't mean to make her sound ter...

15 august 2013

It's been another night with not nearly enough sleep. I have to sleep. I'm going to be a complete mess if this continues. I lose control when I don't sleep enough. And that is in no way a good thing.

29 juli 2013... Today

I was at my doctors appointment today. It wasn't to bad. My blood pressure is better. Mostly because I eat a little bit healthier and that there haven't been so much pressure with things I have to ...

19 juli 2013...Cognitive therapy maybe?

I achieved something quite great for me today. Because K (the one from psychiatric team that I still get to meet a couple of times) asked the right questions today. It's really silly to have to wa...

15 juli 2013... Alone

Why does it have to be so hard to tell someone who is there to help you what you really need... I feel so let down by both myself and the person that I thought might understand. I know I wish for t...

14 juli 2013... Lazy...

Instead of editing pictures, as I should have done today, I have been on tumblr.I really don't wan't to do it. I'm not satisfied in how they turned out at all. But I have to because the client is g...

14 juli 2013... Malfunctioning, that's me...

It's hard when you come to that point in your life where you realize you aren't able to take care of yourself completely on your own. That the help you have accepted in the past years aren't quite ...

Kattetrbbel

Dette er en god beskrivelse p hvor lite som skal til for delegge en dag eller mange dager for meg. Har latt pus vre ute uten bnd alene i 3 dager n.Det har vrt s deilig bde for pus og meg...

En drlig dag blant ganske mange gode

I dag er den verste dagen p en god stund. For de som ikke kjenner meg vil det sikkert hres ut som bagateller.Men for meg s er det stort og nesten uoverkommelig. Jeg har flyttet.Inn i en leilig...

"Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving" - Albert Einstein

Og det er det jeg prver gjre.En dag om gangen. Det gr oppover inni hodet mittog da gr det ogs litt fortere framover. N gjelder det f seg ett bra sted boog fullfre skolen tillfredsti...

Svarte dager

Jeg er ikke i noe positivt humr om dagen.Jeg vil ikke vre slik, men det er vanskelig prve tenke annerledes.Hadde legetime med legen p psyk og det hjalp ikke stort.Hater det nr de sier ting...

Drlig blogger

Jeg er en skikkelig drlig blogger.Men det gjr ikke noe for jeg er skikkelig drlig til det meste,s hvorfor skulle jeg vre god p blogging :P Hater si det, men livet er ikke s kult om dagenE...

ADHD - uoppmerksom type

Jepp, da har jeg ftt diagnosen. Har n hatt den i 4 dager og ogs hatt opptrapping p Ritalin i 4 dager.Jeg er n p 10 mg tre ganger om dagen og skal opp til 20 mg tre ganger om dagen. Den alle...

Og jeg kryper sakte framover...

Det er akkurat det jeg gjr om dagen Og nr jeg sier sakte, mener jeg ekstremt sakte.Jeg har ftt svidt satt i gang litt p skolen. Var p skolen 3 dager denne uken.Ikke p mandagen for da hadde j...

Flelser...

Det har vrt en tff uke. Jeg har gjort en del.Men jeg har vrt s sykt sliten og konstant trtt.Trodde ikke jeg skulle bli s... vet ikke egnetlig hva slags flelser det er...Men jeg har grini en...

Always smiling...?

Det gr ikke...

Nei, det gr faktisk ikke. Blir ikke skole p meg i morgen.Og ikke p tirsdag. Jeg skal til psykologen p tirsdag,s da hper jeg at jeg klarer f noe bra ut av timenslik at jeg kommer meg p s...

Damn it!

Dritt og!Teite depresjonen er tilbake. Jeg trenger virkelig f ting gjort om dagen.Jeg har en viktig jobb jeg m f gjort,men det gr ikke.Jeg fr det ikke til. Jeg er s nrme bare bli hje...

Mammamareritt...?

Jeg er hos foreldrene mine n og her skal jeg vre ut juli. Jeg er veldig glad i foreldrene mine, ikke tro noe annet.Men det er vel nesten ingen som fr meg s frustrert som moren min.(Ja, unntatt...

ting gr framover uansett...

Det gjr det nemlig :) Jeg har det ganske greit om dagen.Sliter litt med svnen, men ellers s har jeg det ganske bra.Har bursdag i dag... eller rettere sagt i gr siden klokken er passert midnatt...

Jeg kjemper videre...

Vel, det er vel kanskje ikke fullt s ille som det fles, men... Jeg synes det er vanskelig jeg. Det gr ikke en dag uten at jeg forbanner den mannen...Som jeg skulle nske jeg kunne gjennomskuet...

Vel...

N m jeg bare skrive litt her igjen... Samboeren har gjort det slutt med meg... Kom veldig plutselig, men ikke helt uventet. Han har jo tatt opp grunnen til at han ikke vil fortsette mange gange...

Skole...

Jeg har kommet inn p skole :) Begynner p onsdag p fotolinje. Ettrig full skole.Det blir kjempespennende :) Det gr fortsatt veldig bra med meg.Har flyttet inn sammen med kjresten min og triv...

Siste innlegg???

Har funnet ut at jeg ikke trenger denne bloggen lenger.Iallefall ikke slik som den er n.Livet har snudd og jeg har endelig en lys framtid igjen. Derfor kommer jeg nok ikke til skrive mer her. ...

Skal flytte

Jeg og kjresten min flytter sammen den 1 juli.Han har jo egentlig flyttet inn hos meg i praksis allerede.Vi har ftt oss leilighet i Horten. Jeg gleder meg veldig.Tror vi kommer til f det s fi...

Har ftt meg kjreste :)

Yeah.... har serist ftt meg kjresteHar det s fint :)Tror virkelig jeg er forelsket jeg... Skal ha ungene i helgens da skal ungene og kjresten f mtesVi skal kose oss med middag og g pkino...

Ps...

Jeg fant han :D

Glad

Gleder meg!!! :D

Hvis noen leser denne bloggen...

...s m jo dere bli lei av lese om mine utrolig tpeligeforsk p finne kjrligheten... Men uansett s gir jeg ikke opp da .p nsker jo finne den ene som klarer finne veien til hjertet m...

Herlighet jeg er sliten!!!

Er det noen som har en stor dose energi gi meg?Trenger det srt. Har ftt pakket to esker til.Synes fortsatt det ikke ser ut til ha noen pvirkning p innholdet i leiligheten... Hvor har alle...

Hvorfor m jeg alltid stille opp???

Kan jeg ikke bare si nei...Hadde bestemt meg for ikke dra p jentegruppa i ettermiddag.Er sykt sliten, men fikk melding fra ei som skulle og da sa jeg selvflgelig, jeg kommer. Hadde veninnen mi...

Jeg er syk

Har jo vrt veldig sliten de siste dageneog i gr klokken 18 skjnte jeg hvorforJeg er sykFeber og vondt i halsenog vondt i kroppen.Var hos terapeuten i gr morgesog etterp dro jeg rett til vennin...

ingenting

I dag orker jeg ingenting.Er trtt, sliten og vondt i kroppen.Driver hele tiden og tenker;kanskje jeg skulle??nei, jeg orker ikke..S det er dagen i dag. I dag orker jeg ingentingog det er vel gre...

Bare s sliten

Er sliten.Synes ikke jeg prater om s mye annet om dagen.I natt har jeg ikke sovet i det hele tatt. Hres sikkert tragisk ut,men det er rart vre vken s tidlig at solen skinner inn vinduene he...

Stressa deluxe!

Har ingen grunn for det.Men jeg er hyperstressa.Vanskelig skrive for fingrene har det s travelt at de bommer p tastene hele tiden.Har vrt hos psykologen i dag.Men det var ikke da det startet.D...

Bloody hell!!!

Ingenting funker slik det skal idag.Dataen tuller igjen...Bloggen tuller...Fr ikke sove...Dritt alts!Egentlig er jeg ikke s sint som jeg hres ut en gang...Uff! Hele dagen har vrt ganske monoto...

Innlagt

Jeg har akkurat kommet hjem etter ha vrt innlagt en uke p psykiatrisk.nsket ikke vre der, ville bare d. Men i gr snudde det. Kurven gikk opp igjen.S er hjemme uten altfor mye skade. Shaken...

Har noen drlige dager...

Det er ikke s gy for tiden...Har mest lyst til reise min vei og aldri komme tilbake.Kom meg s vidt gjennom i gr kveld uten gjre noe.I dag har jeg vrt hos en venninne. Hadde egentlig ikke ...

Stressa

Er s stressa i kroppen og huet for tiden.Klarer ikke helt slappe av.Mtte kjpe en erstatningsmobil i dag. Mobilen virket plutselig ikke. Har ringt s jeg fr tilsendt det jeg skal sende inn mobil...

Trtttt

Er s trtt i dag. Sliter s med komme meg i seng og sovne.Dagen i dag har heldigvis vrt litt bedre, ikke mye, men litt...Har vrt p jobben i dag. Fikk gjort litt.Var i byen med stttekontakten...

Sliter med svnen

Det har vrt veldig drlig med svnp megsiste tiden,Natt til lrdag sov jeg ingenting.Sov ikke s mye natten etterp heller. Forrige natt sovnet jeg ikke fr i femtiden.Og n er kl 2 og ingen svn...

Dagen i dag

Dagen i dag har egentlig ganske dritt. Har ikke hatt lyst til noe.Kom meg p butikken en tur for jeg mtte kjpe ryk og n trenger jeg ikke forlate huset fr mandag nr jeg skal til psykologen.Har...
Paint me Black

Paint me Black

44, Re

Woman with AvPd (avoidant personality disorder), social phobia, ADHD and depression.


I'm honest and don't hide anything here but mine and others identity.

I'm a mom.

I have no psychologist right now, but I may get in some new treatment plan soon. I do have meetings with a psychiatric nurse every other week.

My wishes is to be able to manage life without breaking apart at every little bump in the road.

I want to live, but not like this for the rest of my life. That's why I am trying to do something about it.

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