An update

Just wanted to say I'm still here.

I have been living with my boyfriend for a year now. I'm doing ok, sort of.
Still feeling numb or feeling too much. Mostly numb.

Not much have changed around me apart from living with my boyfriend.
The cat I inherited died a few months ago. That was so terrible. I really loved that little cat.
We tried to adopt another cat, but my first cat almost moved to the neighbours then, so I had to deliver her back. That really hurt too. But my first cat was here first, so he has veto right. He's much more content now, so its good.
I went to a private psychologist some months, but it just didn't quite work as I hope for. So when I got someone to talk to twice a week, I stopped going to the psychologist when he suddenly didn't set a new appointment, but wanted me to something I just couldn't make me do. Nothing crazy, it was just too difficult for me. 
So now I talk to T two times a week, two hours each time and that feels much better all in all. I got refused spots at the place I have talked about when I finally where able to get my doctor to send an application. So that felt like a really hard blow. He then applied for me to get back to DPS, but they didn't want me either. So I'm quite unwanted :P 
I'm now in a spot where I don't care, but when I first got those letters I really did care. It's not a good feeling to be rejected.
Now I sometimes just want to end all kinds of therapy and just be left alone and pretend everything is just fine. 
But I'm going to continue the talk therapy with T and hope that maybe it will help in the long run.

Maybe I'll be back with an update again sometime.

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