I just want to crawl under a rock and disappear

Things are not ok.

I'm depressed and everything is too much.

Have no energy to do more than absolutely basic necessities.

So that means showering when I have to go somewhere or someone comes to visit. Tidy a tiny bit. Keeping the kitchen counter tolerably clean and tidy. And tidy a bit here and there when I have some energy. 
It should have been cleaned here. It's so dirty here now that it's really embarrassing.

I'm eating to little food during the day and too much candy at night. My night medication is not helping me to stay away from candy and my "don't give a fuck" mentality does not help not buy more candy the few times a week I manage to go shopping.

My mind is split in two.
The part that is trying to make sense of this life and make it bearable.
And the part that's trying to figure out when I've had enough and it's time to die.

The part of me that wants to die hate it when things are getting solved for me. Like that I'm going to get my dads car. And my sister helped me with my bills. 
That part of me does not want help because that takes away its reason to not continue.

The part of me that keeps going is so tired. So fed up with all the anxiety, depressing thoughts and lack of energy.

This means that everyday I'm planning to live and to die. It's exhausting.

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Paint me Black

Paint me Black

41, Re

Woman with AvPd (avoidant personality disorder), social phobia, ADHD and depression.


I'm honest and don't hide anything here but mine and others identity.

I'm a mom to two teenagers.

I have weekly individual therapy with a psychologist and I have meetings weekly with a psychiatric nurse.

My wishes is to be able to manage life without breaking apart at every little bump in the road.

I want to live, but not like this for the rest of my life. That's why I am trying to do something about it.

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