Long depressing rant....

I'm not doing so good.

But I can't talk to anyone about how things really are, because I don't want anyone to get worried. And I do not want to get anyone so worried that they want to admit me to psych ward either. I'm not doing that voluntarily again.

I feel I can't tell anyone how the thoughts of just give up washes over me again and again.

I feel it's not just depression or mood disorder... it's worse than that (if that's even possible), because I can see that things can be okay sometimes. And I'm kind of sometimes okay. But I can't see the reason in keep on struggling with mental illness and lousy economy on top of that, for the rest of my life. I don't want that. I just can't keep on pretending that things will eventually change, because that's bullshit. Things won't change that much that it will be better than for maybe a couple of months at the time. That is not good enough for me.

I know there are people living in much worse situations than me and are able to cope somehow. But that does not help me feel any better. It only makes me feel worse for complaining when I know that I should not feel the way I do.

It's my life. And how my life is now is not good enough for me to keep on pretending that I think that it's going to be okay. It's not. Stop telling me lies.

It's such great weather these days. Best summer in Norway in years. And I'm inside. And have finally got some energy back after the kids left. It's been 5 days and today I finally feel that it looks almost okay here. The bathroom desperately needs to be cleaned still, but I'll take that tomorrow (see... I'm going to be here tomorrow as well). 
I have been two days on the beach. If I didn't have anxiety I would have been there almost every day. But I can barely go outside the doors to be in the garden. There were almost no people in the neighborhood today, so I could do some things outside. 
I can't enjoy having a great summer, when I'm cooped up inside all day. Fuck! I hate this!
This is not living! And I can't talk to anyone, because I don't want to bring anyone down. People deserve to have a great summer without having to deal with my problems. And I'm tired of being around people and pretend that things are okay enough. 
Nobody can do anything to help anyway so why bother them...

I was supposed to visit my sister this week. I have told her that I'm to exhausted, which is true, but I didn't tell her that I can't afford it either. She would have said she could pay for the ferry and gas, but I hate that I need other people to pay for me. It sucks.

I was struck by grief earlier today when I got reminded about K. Cried my eyes out. I'm hopeless.

That's enough depressing rant from me.

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