1 juli 2014 Not the best day

I'm overwhelmed. Too much. Visited my parents from thursday to Sunday. Big celebration of them on saturday. Took too much energy. I can't stay for so long there. Tough conversation with H yesterday and an even tougher conversation today with I at the ADHD clinic. So I'm home in bed at 5.30 pm. Been here for an hour. I should be tidying and cleaning the apartment that looks like shit now, but I have no energy for that. 
So bed it is then.

I still can't see why I should continue life except for the purely logical ones, like my kids, family and friends. For my self there aren't any other than that I don't want to inflict pain on those who care about me. But that reason keeps me here for now. I wish I could feel alive and not somewhat dead already. I'm afraid to hope for anything. I'm afraid of feeling too much. I'm afraid of feeling happiness, love and trust because I'm certain it won't last. I do not believe I will survive another blow to my psyche. So I guard my self by not allowing myself to feel more than tiny glimpses before I'm able to lock them down. I know I need to feel them to feel alive, but I'm too afraid of the consequences. And I don't really do it on purpose. It's become an automatic reaction. 
I'm having more physical reactions again. Being numb in my body and more tics. More anxiety.

I hope I'm able to gather some energy before my son comes on Friday. My daughter comes on Sunday. And they are supposed to stay until maybe July 17. It's summer and we are supposed to have a good time. I guess I will be able to be okay while they're here. But it might be that they can't stay that long. They know that and their father know that. I just need some energy before they come.

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Paint me Black

Paint me Black

41, Re

Woman with AvPd (avoidant personality disorder), social phobia, ADHD and depression.

I'm honest and don't hide anything here but mine and others identity.

I'm a mom to two teenagers.

I have weekly individual therapy with a psychologist and I have meetings weekly with a psychiatric nurse.

My wishes is to be able to manage life without breaking apart at every little bump in the road.

I want to live, but not like this for the rest of my life. That's why I am trying to do something about it.