I feel like my life is real and not real at the same time.

It's really frustrating and confusing.

I'm having emotions about thing, good and bad.

But they get locked up in the walt like seconds after they appear.

If they are good especially. If I feel something good for too long, I might start to hope for something good and I might get hurt.

It's better to lock those feelings away before they can give me any hope.

So since the emotions vanish almost immediately, they don't feel real.

And I feel kind of empty with small bursts of emotions occasionally.

After each burst of emotions disappears, I feel the emptiness even more.

I know that my "emotion phobia" is holding me back from living. But that is how it is now. It doesn't mean I want it to stay like this. Or that I'm not willing to work to make it better. But that's how I cope with things now. And until I feel that it is safer (not safe, because it probably never feel safe) I will be able to be in my emotions and not lock them away immediately.

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Paint me Black

Paint me Black

41, Re

Woman with AvPd (avoidant personality disorder), social phobia, ADHD and depression.

I'm honest and don't hide anything here but mine and others identity.

I'm a mom to two teenagers.

I have weekly individual therapy with a psychologist and I have meetings weekly with a psychiatric nurse.

My wishes is to be able to manage life without breaking apart at every little bump in the road.

I want to live, but not like this for the rest of my life. That's why I am trying to do something about it.