Been here two weeks now.
I'm a bit better.
I'm on another ward that looks a little bit nicer than the first one.
I have been a bit of a difficult task for the doctors here. So I've been talking to the two psychiatrist and not only one. They said that usually they talk to the patient alone (with the contact the patient have that day) and that they will connect with the patient. But since I was so quiet and not opening up, they wanted to be together on it so they could try to find out how to help me.
I have been able to open up some. And I have had several appointments with U and she had told them what I have told her about what I think I need here to get better.
I was here on involuntary psychiatry care first because I wanted to go home and couldn't promise I wouldn't hurt myself in any way. Since last Wednesday I have been here on voluntary "involuntary psychiatric care" (I'm not sure that's the correct way to translate it, but you get the picture).
I'm allowed going outside with one from the staff with me.
I haven't had any connection to my emotions since the last appointment with K. It went well. It wasn't easy to go through. U was with us and I wanted her to stay after he left so we didn't get as much time as I would have wanted, but it was better this way.
It was hard to say goodbye to him. I got a hug and then he left. And I'm never going to see him again.
That makes me so sad.
I wanted U to meet him so she could see for herself what I have been talking about what makes him so right for me to have talk therapy with. She said after he left that she understood what I meant. And I told her I wanted her to meet him since they are both important to me. She appreciated that.
And in about three weeks I will lose her as well. I just can't take it in. I can't feel it. I got a bit emotional writing about K and all now, but I can't get those feelings to stay with me. So it makes everything so surreal and strange.
I've had visitors. My friend has been here twice. That's always good. She sort of belongs in this environment since we met and became friends the first time I was here.
My son came on Friday. My daughter planned on coming too but they got the visiting hours wrong, so she couldn't come after all. So I haven't talked to her yet. My son has called me a couple of times as well. But that's normal for both of them. I am going to ask if she could come soon too.
My younger brother and his wife was here yesterday.
I feel it's a bit strange getting visits here. I feel it's a bit like they come to look at that weird person that wants to die.
And I still feel that it's strange that people care about me. I guess I have to start to feel different about it since they clearly care.
Now I need to go to sleep. There aren't any sleeping in here. It's up early and get breakfast. Good thing about being here: I don't have to make any food. I save money by not having to buy food and because I have turned off most electricity at home and I don't have to feed the kids.
That's all I have time for now.
Good night!

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