Anxious

I hate it when I'm full of anxiety and there's absolutely no reason for it. 
Feels like everything inside me is shivering. I try to unclench my jaws and relax. But my hands are shaking and I'm dizzy (that might have something to do with it's been too long since last meal. I'm eating now though).

I have tonight for myself and it would be nice to get something good out of it instead of this anxiety.

Yesterday wasn't too good. My appointment with U got cancelled since she was sick. And it made me very sad. And that made me cry, which made me feel stupid and childish. I knew it could be cancelled since she was sick on tuesday and wasn't at group therapy because of it. So I don't know why I reacted so strongly to the message.

I really wished that she would get well before our appointment, but that shouldn't mean that when she didn't get well, should cause that reaction... 
I mentioned it to K today and when we talked, I wondered if it might be because I was very anxious about her reaction to reading my blog. And that when it got canceled, I have to wait longer before I get to see her and get that reaction from her? I don't know.
Another feeling that I don't like having is that it made me feel rejected. And that so stupid to feel because of something that isn't (or shouldn't) be a big deal. She certainly didn't get sick on purpose. So it doesn't seem like anything that I should feel rejected by. 
Thinking these things made me stop crying quite quickly though. I couldn't write about it yesterday. I did write a little in my journal, but I was too ashamed of my reaction to write about it here. 
Talking with K about it made it a little bit easier to stop hitting myself mentally too much about it at least. 
I talked about it without telling the whole story first, but he asked me more about it so I told him everything. It was enough to make me feel dizzy and light headed. And a little bit withdrawn. It is more difficult to focus on what we are talking about when I feel like that. I'm too preoccupied with trying to get rid of those feelings.

I'm also worried about those questionnaires. I'm not sure I understood how to answer on one of them. I really dislike to let anyone see things I have done when I'm not sure I have done it correctly. Even if it's her that I have known for so long now. I know logically that she won't think I'm stupid if I answered it wrong, but my feelings tells me something very different. Just thinking about it now made that nice lump in my throat come back.

When I realize what I have written here, I understand that it's maybe not that weird I feel anxious. I have not consciously thought about it, but it must have been there unconsciously after all. 
I should know that by now. I do it all the time. I have been thinking that I am nicer to myself than I used to since I don't actually think bad things about myself so much. But I don't need to think those thoughts consciously anymore. They are well integrated into my unconsciousness and make me feel bad anyway. So even if I'm not that aware of it anymore I still drag myself through the dirt all the time. Beating myself up like I always have done. 
I see it when I write about things here. It still comes out as it used to when I write. I have tried to ignore it because I do not want to admit doing it anymore. I'm supposed to have changed a bit. Become nicer to myself. There are some things that I don't do anymore and that's self harm and being as self-destructive as I used to. So I have become a bit nicer to myself. And I don't think constantly that I don't deserve to be alive. So I have gone a few steps forward.

And I still learn things about myself because I write about my days and what I experience. Like today.

(I've eaten now and I'm still dizzy)

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Paint me Black

Paint me Black

40, Re

Woman with AvPd (avoidant personality disorder), social phobia, ADHD and depression.


I'm honest and don't hide anything here but mine and others identity.

I'm a mom to two teenagers.

I have weekly individual therapy with a psychologist and I have meetings weekly with a psychiatric nurse.

My wishes is to be able to manage life without braking apart at every little bump in the road.

I want to live, but not like this for the rest of my life. That's why I am trying to do something about it.

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