14 november 2013... I'm feeling sad

And I'm not quite sure why.

I should still feel happy about the good news I got earlier. But that feeling has drowned in this sad feeling. I feel like I want to cry. And the lump in my throat is back.

It might be because of my appointment with K earlier. It left me feeling stupid, because I thought I would get an open amount of time before we must end our sessions. But he asked me if I had thought about how long time I think we should have before it ends. I couldn't answer that, because all I could think of was, never.

I don't know if I will ever be able to find out anything about how long time I think we should have. And it made me think that maybe its better to just end it right away. But I don't want to do that either. But the other way feels like having a band-aid that covers your entire body, and the only way to remove it is to slowly and painfully tear it off. It's just making the pain last way longer.

So I need to find out if I can handle that. I don't know if I can handle leaving each appointment and feeling the pain from knowing that it's going to end in so and so long. And I don't know if I will be able to not shut down my emotions. If it's going to be a point to keep having the appointments, I have to be able to access my emotions and not start rationalizing everything. And lock my feelings away in that room where I can't get to them. Because that way I will not change anything in how I deal with things.

I don't want to go to that place in my mind where I can't feel things for real. I don't like to live without a connection to my emotions. I have done that enough. I still haven't got control over the automatic things that do that. I'm not sure how to avoid it happening. I try to keep somewhat connected these days, but it's difficult and I don't know how to do that yet.

It's a strange feeling when you go from massive amount of emotions to non. I have done that for many years, but I haven't thought about it and understood that I do that until last year maybe. I have had a bit awareness about it. But now that I know more about it, I see that I do it quite a lot. Most of my life I have lived without insight in myself. I have sort of just tried to be what those around me wanted me to be. I failed at it. But I didn't understand what was happening and why. I just knew that I was different from the people I was closest to.

I guess the beginning of understanding and finding out about myself was in 1999. I was 26, married and had two kids age 4 and 2. That was the first time I got a diagnose and treatment. But it was only for depression and that is more of a side effect of my other diagnoses. So it didn't change much. I got to a point where I got control over myself and stopped feeling down, and then I found out I didn't need anymore treatment. I see now that I rationalized it, by saying to myself and my husband that I couldn't get anymore help from the psychiatric nurse because I needed to work on being a better christian. And I couldn't talk to her about those things since she was no christian herself. So I quit. And went back to the controlled me that didn't have that much problems with believing and doing what I was supposed to as a wife and mother.

It wasn't until 2007 that I started to really find out piece by piece what it was that I was struggling with and who I was. I still haven't found everything out yet. But the last 18 months have been really eyeopening for me. And especially since june. I have learned more about myself these few months than I did the 5 years of treatment before that.

But even if I know so much more and understand how things might be connected. I still struggle with almost the same things. The difference is that I can see it for what it is. And I'm still learning more. And I still discover things about how I really feel and what my defense mechanism are. It's hard on my mind and mental health doing all this discovery. It makes me really exhausted. And it makes me frustrated and anxious.

But I still want to fight. And I still want to try to change things. I hope that I will be able to keep going.

I don't like certain thoughts and images that pops up from time to time. And this past month especially. I do not want to go there. I have to find other ways to cope with all this difficult emotions. It's not okay to keep going from too much emotions to too little. I want to stay connected to all part of myself all the time or at least most of the time. But I don't know how to do that. I don't know to recognize all kinds of feelings. I sometimes think I have a feeling, but I can't be sure that I read that feeling correctly. I have experienced that I feel the "wrong" thing. Or the feeling is not what I think it is.

Maybe I'm just reading too much into it all. And maybe I'm just imagining things. I don't know. I don't even know if I can trust my own thoughts and feelings.

Well, it's another long rant. But writing helps me to get to know myself better.

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