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20 august 2013... Anxiety and lots of it

I don't think I have ever had a anxiety attack like the one I've had to day and that still lingers in me. I'm exhausted.

Today was group therapy as it is every tuesday. I was very nervous about talking about moving again. The group doesn't know about all the previous moves, but my psychologist does. I shared it right away so I could just get it over with. But they wanted to talk about it a bit more. And it became harder and harder to breath properly. It got so bad that I asked if I could go outside in the hall for a bit. I did, but it didn't help. It just got worse, because I was too visible out there by people I didn't know at all. So I went back in. I get anxiety just thinking about it. It just kept getting worse, so I said to the psychologist that I couldn't breath and didn't know what to do. So she made everyone do breathing exercise. And that didn't help either, because I felt so stupid for needing help. I was so dizzy at some points that I was afraid I was going to pass out. They talked a bit about other things, but that was connected to moving and anxiety. They were all very nice. And all of them thought that moving back to that apartment sounded like a good idea.

One of the other on the group said that she was used to when people in the group earlier had a problem, they would storm out and one of the therapists would follow. And it was all very dramatic. She thought I did it very gracefully by asking politely and quietly go outside and come back just as quiet. I couldn't have done it any other way. That would have just made me even more anxious. I'm the opposite of dramatic. I hate the attention and just want to hide. It was extremely tempting to just go and lie curled up in a corner. But that would have been a bad idea since I didn't want any more attention. Instead I sat there tense and almost not breathing at all. I tried to breath like the therapist showed, but I couldn't do it properly. It was really terrible. And I didn't know how to handle it. Usually I sneak out unnoticed, but that wasn't an option there.

At the very end it was a bit better. So I got out as fast as I could, witch wasn't fast because I was so drained by then. I took the bus right away and tried to relax as much as I could. Luckily nobody came to sit next to me, so I could just listen to my music and close my eyes and try to breath normally again.

I had to go to the grocery store when I got of the bus, so I did that in a hurry. Walked the two minutes home and now I'm sitting here writing this.

So since 9 am to 12.30 pm I've had varying levels of anxiety. The group itself lasts 1 hour 30 minutes.

And I'm not done with having to do things that makes me anxious today. I have to talk to my landlord about moving. And I've promised my old landlady that I do it today. So I cant get out of that one either. He's not home yet so I have some time to prepare before I do it.

I'm still dizzy and I think I'm gonna lie down a little while now.

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