20 august 2013... Anxiety and lots of it

I don't think I have ever had a anxiety attack like the one I've had to day and that still lingers in me. I'm exhausted.

Today was group therapy as it is every tuesday. I was very nervous about talking about moving again. The group doesn't know about all the previous moves, but my psychologist does. I shared it right away so I could just get it over with. But they wanted to talk about it a bit more. And it became harder and harder to breath properly. It got so bad that I asked if I could go outside in the hall for a bit. I did, but it didn't help. It just got worse, because I was too visible out there by people I didn't know at all. So I went back in. I get anxiety just thinking about it. It just kept getting worse, so I said to the psychologist that I couldn't breath and didn't know what to do. So she made everyone do breathing exercise. And that didn't help either, because I felt so stupid for needing help. I was so dizzy at some points that I was afraid I was going to pass out. They talked a bit about other things, but that was connected to moving and anxiety. They were all very nice. And all of them thought that moving back to that apartment sounded like a good idea.

One of the other on the group said that she was used to when people in the group earlier had a problem, they would storm out and one of the therapists would follow. And it was all very dramatic. She thought I did it very gracefully by asking politely and quietly go outside and come back just as quiet. I couldn't have done it any other way. That would have just made me even more anxious. I'm the opposite of dramatic. I hate the attention and just want to hide. It was extremely tempting to just go and lie curled up in a corner. But that would have been a bad idea since I didn't want any more attention. Instead I sat there tense and almost not breathing at all. I tried to breath like the therapist showed, but I couldn't do it properly. It was really terrible. And I didn't know how to handle it. Usually I sneak out unnoticed, but that wasn't an option there.

At the very end it was a bit better. So I got out as fast as I could, witch wasn't fast because I was so drained by then. I took the bus right away and tried to relax as much as I could. Luckily nobody came to sit next to me, so I could just listen to my music and close my eyes and try to breath normally again.

I had to go to the grocery store when I got of the bus, so I did that in a hurry. Walked the two minutes home and now I'm sitting here writing this.

So since 9 am to 12.30 pm I've had varying levels of anxiety. The group itself lasts 1 hour 30 minutes.

And I'm not done with having to do things that makes me anxious today. I have to talk to my landlord about moving. And I've promised my old landlady that I do it today. So I cant get out of that one either. He's not home yet so I have some time to prepare before I do it.

I'm still dizzy and I think I'm gonna lie down a little while now.

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Paint me Black

Paint me Black

40, Re

Woman with AvPd (avoidant personality disorder), social phobia, ADHD and depression.

I'm honest and don't hide anything here but mine and others identity.

I'm a mom to two teenagers.

I have weekly individual therapy with a psychologist and I have meetings weekly with a psychiatric nurse.

My wishes is to be able to manage life without braking apart at every little bump in the road.

I want to live, but not like this for the rest of my life. That's why I am trying to do something about it.