5 august 3013

I've been away this weekend. My oldest sister wanted to celebrate my 40'th birthday. (It was in may, but I was in the middle of the finals at school then). So she arranged it and it was at her home. I helped with the preparations. It was very nice actually. My third sister and her son came and my older brother with his wife and their youngest son. And my parents. And one of my cousins came with her family as well. They happened to be in the area while on their boat trip. So that was a nice surprise. And one of my aunts stopped by as well.

I'm glad they stopped having their little speeches at our family gatherings. They used to do a little speech and we all just to sing a few christian songs. I never liked that so much. But for a few years ago there were so many of us that got tired of it, mostly because mom was so tiresome when she talked, so they stopped.

So it was just a quiet, fun and a bit awkward on my part because I don't like that much attention. I even have trouble with the anxiety in front of my family. I don't like open the presents so people can see me. On christmas eve it's a bit different because everybody gets gifts. On a day like this you are supposed to open them and give the right response. Luckily my family is easily distracted and very chatty, so I was able to open them without to much attention. I got way to much money from my older brother, but I really need them, so I was really grateful even if I forgot to say thank you right away. It's hard to show what I feel. I rather open things in private and say thank you later.

My mom gave me a houseplant, that I'm pretty sure I'm gonna kill rather fast because it needs water all the time. And I'm not good at remembering that. But I put it in the kitchen so it will have a tiny chance of survival.

I had take the first piece of the birthday cake. They wanted to see and take pictures. I have done this before of course, but this time was the first time I recognized the feeling I got when I did it. It's anxiety of course, but last time I was the one being celebrated was 10 years ago. And back then I didn't know what was wrong with me yet. And I have tried to get away from that feeling, and still is, by being goofy. So I make funny faces and put on an act.

Ok. But now it's 10 years until next time I might have to get that kind of attention and that's fine by me.

But it has been a nice weekend. I enjoyed it actually. Even if I had to hear some of them talk about Jesus and all of that. It wasn't to much, so it was ok. I didn't sleep well, but I was able to relax and enjoy my self.

And the cat survived homealone. All the food was eaten, so I know the landlords cat have had a good weekend as well. And maybe other cats in the neighborhood as well, because I left really much food outside. But my cat didn't seem starved so I guess he got enough food too.

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Paint me Black

Paint me Black

40, Re

Woman with AvPd (avoidant personality disorder), social phobia, ADHD and depression.


I'm honest and don't hide anything here but mine and others identity.

I'm a mom to two teenagers.

I have weekly individual therapy with a psychologist and I have meetings weekly with a psychiatric nurse.

My wishes is to be able to manage life without braking apart at every little bump in the road.

I want to live, but not like this for the rest of my life. That's why I am trying to do something about it.

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