1 august 2013... And now it is tomorrow

As I told you yesterday, I met H today. I was so nervous right before she arrived. I got an email from K where he forwarded the response from H. I saw it just 10 minutes before. And he said as I could see she took it well. And that helped a bit, but not much I must confess. I was shaking when I read the email and couldn't relax even if I knew she wasn't upset or anything. I played a game on my phone those last few minutes before the doorbell rang. That stopped the trembling at least.

She came in and was really nice and understanding. It took me about 1 hour to stop feeling anxious. And then I was able to relax a bit and stop trying to strangle my own hands (I sometimes sit and squeeze my hands when I anxious). We had a long talk and I felt heard and understood. And that it was ok. She said it was a good thing that she got that information, because it would be easier for her to help me when she knows more about how I am.

She has adhd too, so she shared a bit about herself. And how that affects her. It's quite funny to know that the person that's there to help you do those things that you don't seem to ever get started on, has problems with getting things done privately as well. But it's usually easier to help others with things like that, than doing them for yourself.

She also said that she is supposed to help me mostly with household things, but if it was difficult we could just talk as well some times. It's really difficult for me to have someone helping with cleaning and things like that. And I agreed that a psychiatric nurse could contact me from her team, to talk to, since I don't have private therapy sessions (I don't know if that's the correct term...) with my psychologist anymore. And that's good even if it means that I have to get to know one more person.

I haven't had this much help at once ever. I have H and it seems K is going to meet me several more times even if he don't have to. And I have group therapy and now I getting even one more person. So I feel a bit overwhelmed and I also feel that I shouldn't get that much attention and help. I feel like l'm being selfish. And that I don't deserve everything I'm getting. But I am very happy that I do. Because I really want to get better and be able to function in everyday life.

I didn't have the courage to ask neither K and H about how tell the psychologist about me wanting to get treatment for my anxiety at Modum. So I probably wont say anything at all I guess on tuesday when I meet him. It's so frustrating that I can sit there and know I really need to ask about this, but I just can't say anything! How can it be that something that others have no problem doing, can be so extremely impossible to do...

But if those around me that are supposed to help me understands a bit more how my mind works, it might be easier to work on those things that are extremely difficult to do. And maybe when I have been able to say whatever it is many times, it's not that hard anymore. I hope so. It would make my life a lot easier.

And now I have to find out how I'm going to make sure my cat has food and water for the weekend when I'm gone. I could ask my landlord, but that is one of those things that is impossible to do at the time. Hm... maybe I just have to take him with me. He's not gonna like that, so I must think of something clever.

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