27 juli 2013... Whats in my future...

It's scary to think about my future.

I really want to hope for a good one, but how things are now it doesn't look promising. And that is frightening.

When my kids move out I might be able to find an apartment that I can actually afford. But that's at least 3 year away.

I'm not sure I ever will be able to work 100% again. I have done that just a few short episodes before. Never any longer than a year. So I cant imagine it would be any easier now that I'm struggling much more with my mental health.

But I don't want to give up. That's why I want to go to treatment at Modum for 2 months so I can try to manage my anxiety better at least. And I do work at that and other things now. Its not like I will just sit and wait until I might be allowed to get that treatment there before I do anything to improve my life. And I have been working on things ever since I started to understand what was wrong with me.

One thing to show I'm working on this is that I talk to K yesterday. And he was wondering how things were with H here where I live. And I was able to tell him that I didn't think it was very good. And I hate for feeling that because she is so nice and I understand she wants good things for me. But she make me feel like I'm a kid or a bit stupid. And its just small things that give me that feeling, like her asking me with a tone of voice as she is talking to someone who are a little bit underdeveloped. And ask if I think I can do that or that with that voice. And she points at my screen when we check something out on my mac to guide me on the site we looked at. I'm very capable to navigate any site on my own. I do not have any troubles with my intelligence.

And when I feel like that I just think to myself that I don't want any help. I can do everything on my own. And feel really stubborn and unbendable. But I rater be left alone than to have to feel like I'm not an adult that is capable of many things if I have what I need to feel secure around me. So I smile and pretend its fine instead.

I know I'm not rational when I feel like I do, but as K says, its not about what my rational mind tells me that is important. Its how I feel that is important. And I'm starting to see his point. I have always rationalized things and therefor also felt very stupid when I feel like I do. And that doesn't help me. He says I have to take what I feel important and find out what I need to do or change in my life to make my life improve instead of keeping me at the same hopeless place. And I think he is right .

So what we agreed on is that he is going to send H an e-mail and tell her about how I feel. And most importantly what I have problems with and not that much what she should or should not do or say. And the reason for him to do it is because I can't make myself just tell her straight up. I would rather move again to another place than have to tell her I don't feel that things are working. And its scary as hell!

I'm not looking forward to tuesday 1pm. Thats next time I see her. And I will be so insanely anxious and terrified about how she will respond to this. I'm afraid she going to be mad or disappointed in me. And all I have ever done in my life is to avoid the possibilities for people to be that. I have only been able to tell people that something is bothering me if I can be 100% sure they won't hate me when I do. And I always says it in the nicest way i possibly can. And thats not always making them understand what I really mean because it so vague.


I've just read his e-mail to H. And I just started crying. He informs her in a very nice way so I can be a little bit less nervous about tuesday. But it will still be extremely awkward for me. He suggested that I could deliver it to her myself or write my own letter to her. But that is not an option for me at this point.

How much easier things would have been if I just could tell people instead of being completely mute about the things that matter the most to me. But to have been so lucky to find a person that I actually is able to tell things even if I have extreme anxiety when I do. I cant express how much it means to me. And to know I'll lose him soon is making me so so sad. I just want to cry my eyes out because of it. I want to move back to that city so I can have his help forever. But I can't.

I hope I will be able to talk to H after this. I don't want to ruining things. And I sure don't want to make her feel bad because I'm not happy with how things is. But this is a better solution after all, than my old solution that is to just keep smiling and pretending that everything is ok until I can't anymore and just stop responding. Or if I can't get away, just move to another city again. I will not get a better future if I stick to that behavior.

Well, I have some difficult days a head of me now. I will try not to think too much about tuesday.

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