25 juli 2013... Its starts one place and end up another place

Well... my mom called me yesterday. And she was over the top positive and encouraging. I could hear that she was worried about me. And she said she had heard a lot of good things about that treatment place I told about earlier. And the "funny" thing is that what she has heard are about the part of the hospital that have treatment for people with beliefs in a god. I'm not going there. I'm going to make sure to stay away from that part of the hospital. So I guess she would really want me to go there so they could somehow help me overcome this foolish atheism thingy.

She must think I only stopped believing because I'm mentally ill and not because I actually find it impossible to believe in such unintelligent and manmade bunch of bullshit texts. I cant believe they can believe. My dad must have read the bible all the way trough sometime... He has preached from that book at least ones a week for most part of his adult life. Can he seriously never have had any doubts...

My mom hasn't read that much in the bible I think. We used to draw mannakorn (small pieces ofpaperwith scripture references on them) on mornings before school. And those are just the small parts from the bible that might make sense when you take them out of context. That's not reading the bible. I might have read the bible more than she has ever done because I cant remember her reading the bible except at meetings and such. But I might be wrong. I do remember her reading plenty of romance novels though.

I cant believe I actually believed this for so many years. Even if I had doubts, I always concluded that I was wrong. And that I should trust what I was taught and choose to believe anyway. And I did that because I didn't know anything else. I heard and read about the evolution, but I dismissed it as stupid. Thinking that I couldn't believe anyone could believe in such nonsense. I thought that is had to be harder to actually believe in that stuff than in a god that had created everything.

I just shake my head at that now. And thinking the complete opposite. It feels bizarre to think about that now. But I was taught that I should just trust in the leaders. Read the bible and walk the good path. I wasn't allowed to think differently or believe that I could have different opinions than those around me. And I didn't dare to either. A future without god seemed scary and terrible. And I was afraid of doing something that might upset my mom.

And since I married a christian man who wanted to be a preacher himself, I got stuck in that life that I didn't fit into. The only thing I have truly enjoyed is singing. I started when I was very young. My brother and I used to sing together and everybody thought that was adorable. With singing I was able to get those feelings I was supposed to have. The feeling that god was near and that he cared for all his children and even me. I sometimes could get that feeling by a charismatic sermon. And by the worship songs that was used to bring gods presence into the meetings.

And that is powerful shit. You just get so into it. And for a little while I was able to feel like I belonged there. That I was good enough. That feeling didn't last more than that day usually. I was always so full of hope after weekends or a week with charismatic meetings. I thought that this time I was going to be able to keep that feeling of god being close. Well, no... It never lasted. And that really hurt. I wasn't able to push away the feeling of being a total failure. I couldn't even muster a tiny feeling of gods presence. I assumed that something was wrong with me. I wasn't reading the bible enough or praying enough.

And when I didn't function in everyday life as well because of what I now knows is avpd, social anxiety and adhd. I wasn't a good wife and didn't do enough at home. Got sick leave and/or quit every job I had. So I was up for many disappointments in life.

My ex husband and I was leaders for some of the youth in our congregation. I didn't say much. I didn't like being a leader because how could I lead someone in things I didn't feel I truly understood and believed in. So I was the funny grown up that made them laugh. And when some wanted to talk about problems or worries they had I never talked about jesus or god. Instead I addressed those things with common sense and empathy.

I used to feel so terrible for not being able to save anyone for jesus. And I'm so happy for that now. Well, if you don't count my kids... I did participate in saving them. And I wish I didn't, but I thought I was doing the right thing. Mostly I played with them or read normal children's books. And just trying to be a loving mom. But I did make them go to sunday school and I did read a children's bible for them when they wanted. I can't go back and change my past, so I have to try my best now to make them see there are other options beside believing in god now.

I regret being so closed-minded for so long. Its hard to break out of those tiny boxes. At least I'm happy I haven't preached to anyone. And never pushed my beliefs on anyone (beside my kids, I know...)

Well, this ended up differently than I planned to. My mom still loves me even if she thinks I'm crazy. And I'm confident I never will believe in fairytales again.

Ha ha... they would have been so mad at me for calling the bible fairytales. So blasphemous. Its good to not be afraid of an angry god if I say things like that :)

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