22 juli 2013... Family isn't easy

Yesterday I visited my parents with my kids. It takes a few hours to get there. I never want to go there (I don't want to go anywhere these days but...) even if I love my parents. We had a really nice day and in the afternoon I started to tell them about my problems. Its not new to them, but I wanted to inform them more in detail. I told them how it is to live with social anxiety and avoidant personality disorder.

My dad is sick and is slowly getting worse. He have diabetes and they are causing a lot of trouble now. His kidneys is failing and the nerves to his legs are dying. He have been through a couple of rough years. With heart problems on top of everything. So he is not the strong man he used to be. So usually he has problem concentrating and follow a conversation. because he is tired most of the time.

But when I was talking he was listening intently and even said he recognizedhim self insome of the things I said.

I was a bit frustrated during this conversation because my mom always have to start talking about her self and her problems. I know all of that, because she has told me many times before. But I was stubborn and turned the conversation back to what I was trying to talk about several times. Also because my dad seemed really interested in what I had to share.

After several detours to other topics like moms troubled childhood and all she has been through. And she just have to tell how she is happy to have Jesus with her and that she could never have survived without him. She just kept turning to topics about her or people she knows that I have no interest in or about Jesus.

I just couldn't keep my mouth shut in the end. I cant understand why she just cant listen for one times sake. So I exploded (in my not very explosive way) and asked her if she could please stop talking about Jesus and trying to convince me that I believe. And she respond with, but off course you believe... Thats when I really lost it and told her loud and clear that I DID NOT believe. And that just because she felt Jesus had been the reason for her having a good life, so that she wouldn't trade it with all the money in the world. I had never felt that way. And that my life was much better now even if I still have problems due to my mental illnesses. And that I can not start to believe again in something that I do not see as the truth.

And that I didn't like it when she kept say things like that she prayed for me. Or my dad had prayed for me especially. Writing on fb that Jesus loves me and so on. And then she gets annoyed and says she don't do that every time she talks to me. So I tell her that she had been doing it more and more lately. She says thats not true. That she was being careful not to mention these things when she talked to me because she knew I didn't like it. And she did for a while after last time I told her. But it didn't last long. And she was going back to her usual ways.

She tried to talk about completely different things and start to do other things to avoid me talking more about it.

I hate getting angry at my mom, but she keep pushing my buttons. And I told her that when she talked like that she made me feel guilty. She says she never meant to do that. So I say that I know that she doesn't mean to, but that is what happens when she does. I tell her that she can pray for me as much as she wants and never give up believing that I'm going to come back to jesus. I said I don't want to take her beliefs away. But please stop preaching to me and tell me over and over the same things.

I asked if she didn't think I knew all of these things. With all those years listening to sermons and trying to be a good christian. And I really tried. I would have done anything to just believe like the rest of my family that didn't seem to have any doubt.

So today I'm mad and frustrated and feel like i should apologize. But I will not because I did nothing wrong. I have the right to stand up for my self. Even if it upsets my mom and make me seem like a terrible person. My kids and dad said nothing when I told her this. I think they thought I was being unreasonable. But its difficult trying to be a good girl and never upset her. If she just could let other people talk without her desperate need for attention. And that everything ends up with her talking about Jesus or anything that comes with that.

I dont want our visit to end with me being angry and she having hurt feelings and more worries about me not going to heaven.

This is so stupid. I want to be able to talk about the things I have discovered and what made me not believe anymore. But its not possible with my mom. She is in her "Jesus is the answer" box and will not listen to anything that doesn't fit in there.

It would have been interesting discussing things with my dad. He became a christian when he was about 20. And I would have loved to hear him tell about the years before that. He started working on ships when he was 16 and traveled around the world. And he was in the navy. He lived a normal life with going out with friends to the movies. He smoked and drank alcohol. He was a boxer. So he must have thought differently about this at some point. His mom was a christian. But he wasn't until he fell in love with my mom. And she told him she couldn't be together with him if he didn't believe. So I suspect that he became a christian because of that in the first place.I don't know. He has been very convincing all these years.

And I don't want to take their beliefs from them. I just want to be respected as a human being. When people behave like that I only wish to be left alone.

I complained a while ago to my younger brother about my mom doing this, but he told me to just let her. And that she would never change. And that she meant well. We all are frustrated (I have 5 siblings) about how my mom always have to talk constantly about herself. That she never listen. And that she is so annoying. But I knew I should have kept it to my self. But I get so frustrated. And I feel alone and not respected.

And the most frustrating part is that she is such a loving person. She wants everyone to be happy and taken care of. But she don't see her self at all. And if someone tries to disagree with her, say something that upset her or look like they don't like her, she just falls apart and want to die.

I have mostly had a good childhood. I always knew that I was loved. And I have many good memories. But having to always be careful about what you can and can not say or do has not been easy. It didn't take much to make her mad or upset. So I did as I was told and behaved like a good girl. So nobody remembers how I was or noticed that I struggled with anxiety and low self esteem. I used to day dream that I was run over by cars and that I finally got some attention.

And not that attention that I got from the old ladies in my dads congregation. They gave me money and told me I was such a good girl. I hated that sort of attention because it made me feel like a fraud. I wasn't a good girl. Not if they had known what was inside my mind. All they could see was the girl that behaved and sat still during the sermon and sang nice christian songs for them. And always smiled. Dressed properly with dresses and all.

I'm not the good girl anymore. My mom was always so proud about that all her kids where good christians. She felt good when she compared herself with her brother and sisters that wasn't that lucky.
She can't think like that anymore. I have ruined that for her by not behave like I'm supposed to. And she has always looked forward to being in heaven with all her family around her.

And she isn't even going to be disappointed when she dies about there not being any heaven because she will just stop to exist. But I'm the only one in this family that thinks that way. I don't need to spend an eternity in heaven. I just want to have a good life when I do exist and not planning on being happy when I'm dead.

Well, I have had another long rant here. It could have been even longer, but I edited it because I just keep writing way to much. I hope I make any sense in what I write.

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