15 juli 2013... Alone

Why does it have to be so hard to tell someone who is there to help you what you really need... I feel so let down by both myself and the person that I thought might understand. I know I wish for to much from only the second time with her. But I only need one such experience to picture all the next meetings we are going to have. And that really hurts.

I know it might be different eventually, but that moment of disappointment is so hard to overcome. And I know I'm not being nice to her giving her just a little meeting to make me feel like I'm not going to be completely able to talk to her. I know thats asking for to much, but it still hurts. And I feel like a five year old for feeling that way.

But I've had the last session with my psychologist 2 weeks ago. And even if I'm still going to meet her at group therapy, it's not the same as having one on one sessions.

She is the one who saved my life when I wanted to end it several times. And she means so much to me. And I feel abandoned and that feels terrible. It's making me cry just thinking about it.And I wasn't prepared for crying because I had shut down those feelings prior to the last session with her.

And I feel terrible for not being able to show her how hard is was for me having that last session. I was completely numb. Because thats how my stupid brain respond when its way to hard for me to cope with my true feelings.

And I'm done with two years at school witch have been my only social life the past two years except for my kids. And I'm loosing a similar type of help I had were I lived before I moved here almost 3 months ago. He has been so kind to me and really given me much more time than I'm supposed to get. I'm so glad I'm going to be able to meet him a few more times before that ends as well.

I'm not looking forward to my future. I just hope I'm wrong and that it will be better than what I picture. I wish I didn't need anyone. I try to convince myself that I don't, so that I can push my feelings away. But they are giving me so much anxiety, so I know they are there. I'm able to ignore them much of the time. But I'm not able to ignore the anxiety. So my only feelings is depression and anxiety. And small drips of happiness when I read or see something funny.

I don't want to lose them. But its nothing I can do to prevent it. And thats awful. It's going to be very lonely from now on. But I'll guess I'm going to survive this as well.

I wish I could have talk to someone in my family, but they are all very religious so they are going to say they are going to pray for me. And if I'm completely sure I don't believe in Jesus.Like thats going to make things better. I was a christian until I was 37 and Jesus never did anything to help me. The only help I've had are from real people and they usually have been atheists.

So this was another rant from me. I think I'm done now?

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