An update

Just wanted to say I'm still here.

I have been living with my boyfriend for a year now. I'm doing ok, sort of.
Still feeling numb or feeling too much. Mostly numb.

Not much have changed around me apart from living with my boyfriend.
The cat I inherited died a few months ago. That was so terrible. I really loved that little cat.
We tried to adopt another cat, but my first cat almost moved to the neighbours then, so I had to deliver her back. That really hurt too. But my first cat was here first, so he has veto right. He's much more content now, so its good.
I went to a private psychologist some months, but it just didn't quite work as I hope for. So when I got someone to talk to twice a week, I stopped going to the psychologist when he suddenly didn't set a new appointment, but wanted me to something I just couldn't make me do. Nothing crazy, it was just too difficult for me. 
So now I talk to T two times a week, two hours each time and that feels much better all in all. I got refused spots at the place I have talked about when I finally where able to get my doctor to send an application. So that felt like a really hard blow. He then applied for me to get back to DPS, but they didn't want me either. So I'm quite unwanted :P 
I'm now in a spot where I don't care, but when I first got those letters I really did care. It's not a good feeling to be rejected.
Now I sometimes just want to end all kinds of therapy and just be left alone and pretend everything is just fine. 
But I'm going to continue the talk therapy with T and hope that maybe it will help in the long run.

Maybe I'll be back with an update again sometime.

Money = happy?

They say money does not make you happy.
But lack of money sure makes me very unhappy.

I don't need to be rich, but I would like to be able to pay my bills, buy food and other necessities. And still hae a little bit to use for fun thing like movie, eating out sometimes and maybe a little vacation at least some time. 
But no. I don't even have enough money to pay my bills.

I hate the constant lack of money.

It's been a very long time

I'm still here if anyone wondered.

So here's a little update:

I have been doing ok enough the last year and a half.
I have been keeping myself collected if that make any sence.

A very big news is that I got a boyfriend. We'we been together 15 months now. He is good and kind. I love him and he loves me. 

My daughter has moved out. She's 20 now. She is doing really good. My son is 18. I have grown up kids. That feels weird. He isn't doing quite as good, but I think he is getting there now. I hope...

I have two cats. I "inherited" my landladys cat when she died about a year ago.


Therapy hasn't been so good. Really bad actually. But I hope I might get a bit better help soon. 
I have startet a more thorough diagnosis. I have been there one time. And I'm doing the tests all over again. It will take two, three more times to get a diagnose. Probably no different then what I already have. But they have the proper treatment for me there if I "fit in". 
It's really scary. 
I have been closed off for so long now that it's so much more scary to start up again. And my emotions are worse than ever it seems. It takes nothing to make me feel "too much". So it's hard...


Well. There you have it. An update.


Going home today.

I'm thorn between thinking it's a good thing and that they do not understand the risk they are taking.

But they probably see things I don't.

At least my best friend is driving me home.

Mental wound

I have a wound in my chest that keeps getting salt in it. I don't think it will ever heal.


I didn't get a new psychologist. There had been some mistake so my appointment today was with the psychologist I've had since march.

So no solution and I wasn't able to say anything about it.

The session was good enough, but it's just continuing with the same that was. And that's not enough.

I wanted to just go home, but I agreed to stay here to monday at least.

Not happy.

Therapy and psychologist

Got a call from dps that my psychologist is on sick leave. So they asked me if it was ok if I got a new psychologist. And I said yes of course.

Now I don't have to ask for a new one myself.

I told her that I was thinking about changing anyway.

So one "problem" might be solved. Depends on who I'll get instead.


Today I got yet another new contact for the day. If I'm supposed to have a chance to really get better, I can't have to relate to new people all the time.

I'm going to try to tell that I need a new psychologist today. L that I have been seeing since march is clearly not the right one for me.


Why do I keep hoping for help when I can't even help myself

I just want to crawl under a rock and disappear

Things are not ok.

I'm depressed and everything is too much.

Have no energy to do more than absolutely basic necessities.

So that means showering when I have to go somewhere or someone comes to visit. Tidy a tiny bit. Keeping the kitchen counter tolerably clean and tidy. And tidy a bit here and there when I have some energy. 
It should have been cleaned here. It's so dirty here now that it's really embarrassing.

I'm eating to little food during the day and too much candy at night. My night medication is not helping me to stay away from candy and my "don't give a fuck" mentality does not help not buy more candy the few times a week I manage to go shopping.

My mind is split in two.
The part that is trying to make sense of this life and make it bearable.
And the part that's trying to figure out when I've had enough and it's time to die.

The part of me that wants to die hate it when things are getting solved for me. Like that I'm going to get my dads car. And my sister helped me with my bills. 
That part of me does not want help because that takes away its reason to not continue.

The part of me that keeps going is so tired. So fed up with all the anxiety, depressing thoughts and lack of energy.

This means that everyday I'm planning to live and to die. It's exhausting.


I did it.

I was able to write things I needed to tell the psychologist.

I was able to show it to him.

I was able to get through the session almost without losing my words.

I was able to make myself a little bit understood.

Am i happy about it...

No, I'm not able to feel that I am.


A bit relieved.

Hope for the future in therapy...

A tiny bit more than before.

I was totally exhausted after.

So I spent several hours on the couch when I got home.

Then I was finally ready to get something to eat.

Frustrating to feel stupid after one has been able to talk.

Feel small and difficult.

Not because of anything the psychologist said or did

but because my head is sick and are ruining for me.

Terrible day

With yesterdays emergency to the vet with my poor act, the news about Robin Williams in the middle of the night, another not good session at the psychologist, talking about selling the car again, phone call from my sister about the car and that she told me that I was some of the reason her husband got sick (he struggles with anxiety and depression).

I have cried a lot today.

Things have been solved about the car. I will get the car as an advance on inheritance from dad. I'm not capable of being happy or thankful about that yet.

I have to talk to H about the psychologist not working for me. Somehow I have to make myself tell her.

Poor kitty

It was thunderstorm the entire night and my cat didn't come home until 6 pm today. Discovered quickly that he was injured and found a vet that was still open. Drove there straight away. Now he is doing ok. His paw it almost back to its normal size. He must have been spooked or something. He is terrified of thunder. I tried to call him in as soon as I noticed the thunder and lightning, but he didn't come. I was calling for him many times before I was so tired I just had to sleep. I was getting really worried about him, so just before 6 pm my daughter, her friend and I was going out to search for him. He showed up when we was locking the door.

I'm going to try to make him stay inside for a couple of days.

I had to use my birthday money to pay the vet. I was going to buy a freezer and a microwave oven, but my fuzzyfluff is more important.

Wall art, kind of

I forgot to go to bed last night, because i was making myself something to have on the wall in the hall. I 
used my own pictures and found quotes i liked to put on them. 
i think they turned out quite nice.

Made a bracelet

Bracelet I made today. Clean and simple. Just making things up as I go.

Childhood memories

A little upgrade for my childhood dresser. I used to have doll clothes in this. And apparently biscuits, that had dissolved to something not so nice after at least 25 years in there.

I'm going to use it to have things in it that I need when I am in my creative mood.

I finished it yesterday. And since I couldn't sleep I thought I would show it to you in the early morning hours here in Norway.

It had lost it's back of plywood, so I made one out of cardboard, because that's what I had available.

It measures 42 cm wide, 36 cm high and 20 cm depth.

A good thing that happens when it's raining

This guy spend some time indoors

It was so nice to have him sleeping like this

Look at this cute little face

He lifted my mood a bit.

Life is hard now

I'm struggling real bad.

"Just nope"

-no no no no no.

Reality is creeping back

Tomorrow my "vacation" is over (that means those days without having to think about the reality, aka money trouble and so on).

I have an appointment at 11am with H.

I like the days where I'm able to keep everything away from my mind. Just keeping the nice stuff, like making things and so on. It took so long time before I could enjoy the days alone without having to think about anything else than doing things and let reality live its own life without me.

I've been gradually getting the anxiety level down, but now it's going up again.

Oh...fuck... I just remembered that tomorrow is the last day to deliver that application for disability benefits. I have to bring my mac to that appointment tomorrow. I need help finishing it, that's why I haven't delivered it yet. The last few days have made me forget everything.

Well, it's not forgotten anymore.

Damn it!

Why can't I just live in my little bubble of "happiness"...

Because I'm a grownup that's why.

And I haven't been happy... I just have been "up".

The cupboard

The cupboard is done. I need to get a few more bolts, but it's just to put them in place when I get them.

It's just like I wanted it to be, so I'm satisfied with it. Now I can fill it up with stuff.

It's filling up.

Some diy

I made one of my sweaters a little less plain by sewing this pattern on. It's black fabric that I put underneath the grey one. Sewed the pattern trough both fabrics. Cut the grey fabric on the inside of the stitches and the black fabric on the outside of the stitches.

Not sure I'll be wearing it though. All clothes with pattern on the front makes my boobs seem extra large. I don't need them to look bigger than they are. ??It's nice to have some energy to do stuff again. I'm building a big closet out of 8 small cabinets. I'll take a picture and show you when I'm done.

I've made a couple of other things as well as you can see on the pictures. The tin I have just decorated with some pretty paper. And the metal board I have sewn some pretty fabric together and glued it to the board. And I made matching magnets to it.

I am also repainting some other furniture. A couple of old chairs that used to be in the kitchen when I grew up. And a small dresser, a tiny little cute dresser, that I had the clothes to my dolls in when I grew up. They are all turning turquoise. I'm going to paint the metal on the chairs as well since they are a bit rusty and not shiny anymore.

So as usual I go from doing nothing to doing everything all at once.

Long depressing rant....

I'm not doing so good.

But I can't talk to anyone about how things really are, because I don't want anyone to get worried. And I do not want to get anyone so worried that they want to admit me to psych ward either. I'm not doing that voluntarily again.

I feel I can't tell anyone how the thoughts of just give up washes over me again and again.

I feel it's not just depression or mood disorder... it's worse than that (if that's even possible), because I can see that things can be okay sometimes. And I'm kind of sometimes okay. But I can't see the reason in keep on struggling with mental illness and lousy economy on top of that, for the rest of my life. I don't want that. I just can't keep on pretending that things will eventually change, because that's bullshit. Things won't change that much that it will be better than for maybe a couple of months at the time. That is not good enough for me.

I know there are people living in much worse situations than me and are able to cope somehow. But that does not help me feel any better. It only makes me feel worse for complaining when I know that I should not feel the way I do.

It's my life. And how my life is now is not good enough for me to keep on pretending that I think that it's going to be okay. It's not. Stop telling me lies.

It's such great weather these days. Best summer in Norway in years. And I'm inside. And have finally got some energy back after the kids left. It's been 5 days and today I finally feel that it looks almost okay here. The bathroom desperately needs to be cleaned still, but I'll take that tomorrow (see... I'm going to be here tomorrow as well). 
I have been two days on the beach. If I didn't have anxiety I would have been there almost every day. But I can barely go outside the doors to be in the garden. There were almost no people in the neighborhood today, so I could do some things outside. 
I can't enjoy having a great summer, when I'm cooped up inside all day. Fuck! I hate this!
This is not living! And I can't talk to anyone, because I don't want to bring anyone down. People deserve to have a great summer without having to deal with my problems. And I'm tired of being around people and pretend that things are okay enough. 
Nobody can do anything to help anyway so why bother them...

I was supposed to visit my sister this week. I have told her that I'm to exhausted, which is true, but I didn't tell her that I can't afford it either. She would have said she could pay for the ferry and gas, but I hate that I need other people to pay for me. It sucks.

I was struck by grief earlier today when I got reminded about K. Cried my eyes out. I'm hopeless.

That's enough depressing rant from me.

I hate having anxiety

It's when you start to tidy in your closet in your bedroom because being in your own living room is making you too anxious. Just because the landlady, her son and his wife plus kids, are outside your windows fixing things. I had to take medication to be able to calm down.

I had planned to barbecue today... that didn't happened because I couldn't do anything involving me being outside. But the dinner was good cooked indoors as well.

I wasn't even alone today. My kids are here, but that didn't make my anxiety feel any more manageable.

Damn it how I hate that my anxiety makes so many things so difficult to get through on a daily basis.

Then a new phone is on it's way...

My friend C that I already are paying down on a loan to, said that she could lend me what I needed. So my loan will take 4 months longer to pay down, but at least there is no extra money beside the other loan that way.

So one emergency solved. Can breath out for tonight at least.

And I'm on 24 hour blood pressure measuring since this morning. That does not look good at all. It's quite high. It wouldn't surprise me if my doctor prescribes some blood pressure medication when he checks it tomorrow. I have an appointment there at 8.15am. That's early for me...

Both kids are here now and are going to stay until maybe the 17th. I'll see how it goes.

When the new phone arrives I have something to distract me with for a little while. I've decided to not buy an iPhone again (they are way too expensive and I wouldn't have bought it in the first place if not for my ex wanted to). So I have ordered an android. It's a good one I've been told. Only negative thing is that all my apps is then lost. It's a few of them that I wish that I could have transferred the information to my new phone because I use them all the time and all the information on them would have been good to keep. But that's not the most important thing in the world exactly.

I'm tired so I'm going to bed soon. It's 9.30pm here, so it's not too early to go to bed.

My phone broke...

And I have to have a phone.
That means I have to borrow money again.


When people say money doesn't make you happy...

they must assume you are healthy so you are able to work to make a living.
And not only that... they must mean that you have a job or will be able to get a job that gives you enough money to make sure you do not need to get help otherwise. 
If it only meant that you have to work harder to get enough money it would be okay if I was healthy. But I'm not. And those who say that I can just take fews jobs now and then to make ends meet, when they know that I'm applying for disability benefits, they can go fuck themselves. I'm not applying for it to work... I'm applying because I'm not functioning enough to work. Yes, I might take a little job or two, but that is only if I am functioning better a little while, so that I will be able to. I can't count on that as a way to get more money. If I could work so I could count on a steady partial income I wouldn't apply for disability benefits 100%.

And making a budget doesn't mean that there is enough money to live of each month. It just mean you know how screwed you are each month.

I know I'm privileged compered to many others when it comes to money. But that doesn't mean it isn't a huge problem for me not have enough. 
It takes away my will to live (the little one I have left).
As I see it, I can make it until august 20th. After that I just don't know what to do at all. Except having to let other people (aka family) use their own money to help me. I do not like that. I really resent getting anymore help when it comes to money. They have helped me way too much already. I'm nothing but a burden on them.

I don't like this. I don't want to keep being a burden.

But I still don't know what I will get on disability benefits. Maybe I will get a little more than I do now. I doubt it.

I just have to wait and see first.

I only see black...

Having enough money to not have to worry about my future when it comes to being able to pay my bills, have enough food and being able to buy new clothes when my kids or I need it. And buy birthday presents to my kids instead of telling them that I can't afford any. That would make me happier. It wouldn't take away my mental health problems or not make me dread my future. But I would have one less thing that brings me down and make it hard to focus on getting better and work on my issues.

So money doesn't equal happiness, but it means less problems in my daily life.

Yay... not

I just found out that my landlady have to increase the rent. So that's not good. 500 kr (that's about 80 dollars) more each month from september 1.

I have a big bill to pay at the end of this month for the tv (everybody that has a tv or any other way to watch tv has to pay that every 6 months). And I have to pay extra taxes i august. 8000 kr (1280 dollars). I don't have those money. And it's ready to apply for disability benefits. And I don't know if that will get me about the same or less money paid out each month.

I don't know what to do about it. I'm cold now. I just froze inside when she told me. And I have to figure out what to do about getting a car. I just don't know. Maybe I have to move again. I don't know.

This is so not good for me.

I don't know what to do.

1 juli 2014 Not the best day

I'm overwhelmed. Too much. Visited my parents from thursday to Sunday. Big celebration of them on saturday. Took too much energy. I can't stay for so long there. Tough conversation with H yesterday and an even tougher conversation today with I at the ADHD clinic. So I'm home in bed at 5.30 pm. Been here for an hour. I should be tidying and cleaning the apartment that looks like shit now, but I have no energy for that. 
So bed it is then.

I still can't see why I should continue life except for the purely logical ones, like my kids, family and friends. For my self there aren't any other than that I don't want to inflict pain on those who care about me. But that reason keeps me here for now. I wish I could feel alive and not somewhat dead already. I'm afraid to hope for anything. I'm afraid of feeling too much. I'm afraid of feeling happiness, love and trust because I'm certain it won't last. I do not believe I will survive another blow to my psyche. So I guard my self by not allowing myself to feel more than tiny glimpses before I'm able to lock them down. I know I need to feel them to feel alive, but I'm too afraid of the consequences. And I don't really do it on purpose. It's become an automatic reaction. 
I'm having more physical reactions again. Being numb in my body and more tics. More anxiety.

I hope I'm able to gather some energy before my son comes on Friday. My daughter comes on Sunday. And they are supposed to stay until maybe July 17. It's summer and we are supposed to have a good time. I guess I will be able to be okay while they're here. But it might be that they can't stay that long. They know that and their father know that. I just need some energy before they come.

I feel like my life is real and not real at the same time.

It's really frustrating and confusing.

I'm having emotions about thing, good and bad.

But they get locked up in the walt like seconds after they appear.

If they are good especially. If I feel something good for too long, I might start to hope for something good and I might get hurt.

It's better to lock those feelings away before they can give me any hope.

So since the emotions vanish almost immediately, they don't feel real.

And I feel kind of empty with small bursts of emotions occasionally.

After each burst of emotions disappears, I feel the emptiness even more.

I know that my "emotion phobia" is holding me back from living. But that is how it is now. It doesn't mean I want it to stay like this. Or that I'm not willing to work to make it better. But that's how I cope with things now. And until I feel that it is safer (not safe, because it probably never feel safe) I will be able to be in my emotions and not lock them away immediately.

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